Joke+of+the+Week


 * Which teacher gives you the most knowledge? **


 * You don't gain knowledge from teachers, you Ern it yourself!!!!! **

What's the difference between snowmen and snowomen? Snowballs.
 * Week 8 **
 * (Anh makes the best jokes) **

How did I get out of Iraq? Iran
 * Week 7 **

What kind of bees make milk? Boo-bees.
 * Week 6 **

What do you call a honeymoon in Antarctica? Snow-mantic.
 * Week 5 **

Two muffins were baking in an oven...one muffin turns to the other and say geez ain't it hot in here?... and the other muffin says 'WOW! it's a talking muffin!'
 * Week 4 **

An idiot decides to start up a chicken farm, so he buys a hundred chickens to get up and running. A month later he returns to the dealer to get another hundred chickens because the first lot had died. Another month passes and he's back at the dealers for another hundred chickens. "I think I know where I'm going wrong," he tells the dealer. "I think I'm planting them too deep."
 * Week 3 **

During a recent password audit by a fortune 500 company, it was found that an employee was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento" When asked why she chose such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said: "Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital."
 * Week 2 **

**Anti Jokes** is a type of comedy in which the uses is set up to expect a typical joke setup however the joke ends with such anticlimax that it becomes funny in its own right. The lack of punchline is the punchline.
 * Week 1 **

Why was six afraid of seven? It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.

Q: What is red and smells like blue paint? A: Red paint.

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? The Holocaust.

Why did the boy drop his ice cream? Because he was hit by a bus.

What did the lawyer say to the other lawyer? We are both lawyers

What would George Washington do if he were alive today? Scream and scratch at the top of his coffin.

A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, "What'll it be?" The duck doesn't say anything because its a duck.

What did the homeless man get for Christmas? Nothing.

What does an Eagle and a Mole have in common? They both live underground. Apart from the Eagle.


 * TERM 4: **

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 * TERM 3 HOLIDAYS **

A man went into the pet shop, "I am playing Long John Silver in the local amateur dramatic societies version of Treasure Island and need a parrot to sit on my shoulder," he said.
 * Week 10 **

"I don't have any parrots at the moment, but you wouldn't want a real parrot for that. It would squawk in all the wrong places, poop on your shoulder and generally be a nuisance. What you need is a stuffed parrot. Just as realistic and easily controlled." "I'm not sure a stuffed parrot would be okay," said the customer. "I do want this performance to be as realistic as possible."

"I am sure a stuffed parrot would be fine," said the pet shop owner. "I have one at home. I'll bring it in and if you come back on Thursday you can have it."

"Sorry," said the customer, "I can't make it on Thursday. That's the day I'm having my leg cut off.”

Q: What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper? A: Rough! Rough! Q: What's brown and sticky? A: A twig.
 * Week 9 **

The reason why police do not like stopping in Reservoir! THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND… The need for the same style of shoes in different colors. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell. Cutting your bangs to make them grow. Eyelash curlers. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
 * Week 8 **
 * Week 7 **

I phoned the local radio station today. The presenter answered and said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize."
 * Week 6 **

"That's fantastic!" I shouted in delight.

"Feel confident?" he asked. "It's a maths question."

"Well, I've got a degree in maths and teach it at my local school," I proudly replied.

"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 front row seats to a Justin Bieber concert and to meet him back stage what is 2+2?"

"7" I replied.


 * Week 5 **

Tell me the truth. Does this bikini make me look fat?"


 * Week 4 **
 * What Confucious did not say..**

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient. Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion. Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted. Man who eats many prunes get good run for money. War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left. Man who drives like hell is bound to get there. Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman.. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
 * Week 3 **

 What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
 * Week 2 **

You can chop beef, but you can't pea soup!

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway. Now, if only I could find my parakeet."
 * Week 1 **


 * Term 3 **

Crime in mulit-storey car park. That’s wrong on so many different levels.
 * Holidays **

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Q: What happened to the clock that fell into the sheepdip?
 * Week 11 **

A: It lost all its ticks.

Q: "What did one sheep say to the other sheep?

A: "After ewe".

Q: Why did the sheep call the police?

A: Because he’d been fleeced.

What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination? 'Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours, but I never told them anything!!'
 * Week 10 **

Why are fire trucks red? Because they've 4 wheels and 8 people sit in it. 4+8=12 There're 12 inches in a ruler. Queen Elizabeth is a ruler. A ship was named after Queen Elizabeth. Ships sailed the seas. Fish live in the sea. Fish have fins. People from Finland were also called Fins. Finland and Russia had a war a longtime ago. Russians are red and fire trucks are always russian around!
 * Week 9 **

Or cause red is a cool colour..

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out passed security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
 * Week 8 **

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
 * Week 7 **

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes? A: A fsh.
 * Week 6 **

Q: What do you call the wife of a Hippie? A: Mississippi

Q: Why don't mummies take vacations? A: They're afraid they'll relax and unwind!

A man goes into the doctors feeling a little ill The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have "Yellow 24", a really nasty virus.. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.
 * Week 5 **

There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.' So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before. They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320.

Then he gets the full house and wins $1000. Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting $380,000.. The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, 'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card.

You must be the luckiest man on Earth!' 'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24. 'Then you've won the meat raffle as well!!

A Missouri farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three sons. The instructions left in the will said that the oldest boy was to get one-half, the second oldest one-third, and the youngest one-ninth. The three sons, recognizing the difficulty of dividing 17 mules into these fractions, began to argue. Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and drove out to settle the matter. He added his mule to the 17, making 18. The oldest therefore got one-half, or nine, the second oldest got one-third, or six, and the youngest son got one-ninth, or two. Adding up 9, 6 and 2 equals 17. The uncle, having settled the argument, hitched up his mule and drove home.
 * Week 4 **

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity, it’s impossible to put down. It’s not that the man didn’t know how to juggle, it’s because he didn’t have two balls to. Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy. He drove his expensive car into a tree to find out how the Mercedes Bends. The bicycle couldn’t stand on its own because it was two tired.
 * Week 3 **

**Week 2** How do you make holy water ? Boil the hell out of it !

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils ?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry ? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me !

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary ? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

**Week 1**

I do not enjoy computer jokes. Not one bit.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea ? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Energizer battery arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Q: Why did the three little pigs leave home? A: Their father was an awful boar.
 * Easter Holidays **

Q: Who earns a living driving customers away? A: A taxi driver
 * Week 9 **

A blonde walked up to a TV Store and asked to buy this TV, the shop keeper said, “Sorry we don’t sell to blondes.” The Blonde was angry, she came to the store the next day and asked again to buy the same TV but the shop keeper said, “Sorry we don’t sell to blondes.” She was very angry and went to by a Brunette Wig, she went back to the TV store and asked for the same TV. Again the shop keeper said, “Sorry we don’t sell to blondes.” The blonde took off her wig and asked him, “How did you know I was a blonde?” The shop keeper replied, “That’s a microwave”
 * Week 8 **

Q. What do you call a Greek parachutist? A. Con Descending.
 * Week 7 **

Q: What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A: A Roaming Catholic.

Q: How do you catch a rabbit? A: Hide in a bush and make a noise like a Carrot.

Q: What is hairy and coughs? A: A coconut with a cold.

Q: Why did the cowboy ride his horse? A: Because it was too heavy to carry.

What do you call a .... Woman tied up to the wharf? ..... Maude
 * Week 6 **

.... Woman with one leg shorter than the other? ... Eileen

… ..Woman who hangs on the wall? ... Muriel

.... A blind deer in the forest? ... No idea

.... A blind deer with no legs in the forest? ... Still No idea

.... A dog with no legs? .... It doesn't matter because he can't come to you anyway.

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick. So he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
 * Week 5 **

' Hello ? ' 'Is your daddy home?' ' Yes, he's out in the garden ,' whispered the small voice. 'May I talk with him?' The child whispered, ' No .' ;

So the boss asked, 'Well, is your Mommy there?' ' Yes, she's out in the garden too '& The boss asked; 'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No .'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody elsethere?' ' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman.. '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?' ' No, he's busy, ' whispered the child. 'Busy doing what?' ' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men. '

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?' ' It's a helicopter ' answered the whispering voice. 'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

' The search team just landed a helicopter ' 'A search team?' said the boss. 'What are they searching for?' Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle....

' ME ' !!!

There were two rednecks walking toward each other down the street. One of them was carrying a sack. When they met up, the other redneck asked, "Whatcha got in that there sack?" The redneck with the sack replied, "Just some chickens." The other redneck said, "If I guess how many chickens are in that there sack, can I have one?" The redneck with he sack answered, "I'll give ya both of them if you get it right." So, the other redneck thought and thought, and he finally said, "Five?"
 * Week 4 **

A Cowboy rides into town and stops at a saloon for a drink. When he finishes his drink, he finds his horse has been stolen. He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.
 * Week 3 **

“Which one of you sidewinders stole my hoss?” he yells. No one answers. “Alright, I’m gonna have anotha beer, and if my hoss ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I done in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I done in Texas!”

He has another beer, walks outside, and his horse is back. He saddles up and gets ready to ride out of town. Before he leaves, the bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, “Say partner, before you go… What happened in Texas?”

The cowboy turns back and says, “I had to walk home.”

Holdup man: "Stick 'em up or else."
 * Week 2 **

Victim: "Or else what?"

Holdup man: "Don't confuse me - this is my first job."

A man in Thailand was arrested with more than 10,000 pairs of stolen underwear. Legal experts are expecting a brief trial.
 * Week 1 **

= **SEMESTER 1 2012** =

I dialed a number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but Thank You for caring enough to call. I’m making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the Beep. If I do not return your call, You are one of the changes."
 * Week 5, 6, 7 **

The flying instructor had just delivered a lecture on the use of parachutes. "And if it doesn't open?" someone asked "If it doesn't open, repeated the instructor. "Well ....that gentlemen, is known as jumping to a conclusion".
 * Week 4 **

MORE PARAPROSDOKIANS:
 * Week 3 **

1. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

2. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

3. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

4. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

5. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

6. I’d ask God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

7. You do not need a parachute to sky dive. You only need a parachute to sky dive twice.

8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

A hostage.
 * Week 2 **
 * What do you call a good-looking woman with a Collingwood fan? **

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 * Week 1 **


 * Term 3 Holiday Break **

PARAPROSDOKIANS:

Definition: "Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation." i.e. "Where there's a will, I want to be in it."

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong..

5. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

6. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

7. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

"This morning I felt that today was going to be my lucky day. I got up at seven, had seven dollars in my pocket, there were seven of us at lunch and there were seven horses in the seven o'clock race, so I backed the seventh." "Did he win?" "No, he came in seventh."
 * Week 10 **

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero" The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
 * Week 9 **

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
 * Week 8 **

A little boy was so exited because his mom told him he is getting a baby brother. He repeated that to his techer every day, when he came to school, "Im getting a brother." One day his mom alllowed him to feel the baby's kicks in her belly. The next day he came to school and didnt say anything to his teacher, so the teacher asked him, what happend to his brother. He replyed, "I think mommy ate him."
 * Week 7 **

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.
 * Week 6 **

The Russians used a pencil

One night, as he finished his last beer, Joe's doorbell rang. He answered the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left. The next night, the doorbell rang, and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left. The same thing happened the next night. This time, he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left. The following day, Joe went to see his doctor. He explained the events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded. "Not much" the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around."
 * Week 5 **

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son..... "Go get your Mother."
 * Week 4 **

A man sat down at a bar and told the bartender, "I bet you three hundred dollars that I can piss into the cup all the way over there on the other side of the bar and not miss a single drop." The bartender said, "There is no way you can do that. Sure, I'll bet you three hundred dollars." The man then begins to undo his pants and begins pissing. He starts pissing all over the bar, spraying on the bottles and the bartender, not making a single drop in the cup. The bartender starts smiling and laughing and says, "That's it, you owe me three hundred dollars." The man then gets up and walks over to the pool table and starts laughing and shaking hands with the men standing there. He walks back to bar, sits down and starts laughing at the bartender and hands him the money. The bartender asks, "Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet." The man said, "I'm laughing because I bet those guys over there one thousand dollars that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would still be laughing when I was done."
 * Week 3 **

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.
 * Week 2 **

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

A dying granny was talking to her granddaughter. "I may die any minute so I want you to inherit my farm including the villa, tractor, the farmhouse and all the livestock ‘ and $22,389,630.00 cash". "WoW!!" said the granddaughter 'Thanks granny, I didn't know you even had a farm & all this wealth! Where is it??" Granny says with her last dying breath....."It's on my Facebook!
 * Week 1 **

= = = SEMESTER 2: = = =

**Term 2 Break - Holidays**

A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Quiet!" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"

"And I said be quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you, the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the guy in the cell. "I'm the groom."

= SEMESTER 1: The End! =

**Week 10** What do you call a: .... Woman tied up to the wharf? ..... Maude .... Woman with one leg shorter than the other? ... Eileen .... Chinese woman with one leg shorter than the other? ... Irene …. Woman who hangs on the wall? ... Muriel .... A blind deer in the forest? ... No idea .... A blind deer with no legs in the forest? ... Still No idea .... A dog with no legs? .... It doesn't matter because he can't come to you anyway.

**Week 9** A Cumbrian farmer's dog goes missing and he is inconsolable. His wife says to him, "why don't you put an ad in the paper to get him back". The farmer does this, but after two weeks, no phone calls, the dog is still missing. "What did you write in the paper?" asked his wife.

"Here boy," said the farmer

= = = **Week 8** =



**Week 7** The following was developed as a mental-age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University.Take your time and see if you can without a mistake.The average person over 11 years of age cannot do it. 1.This is this cat 2.This is is cat 3.This is how cat 4.This is to cat 5.This is keep cat 6.This is a cat 7.This is silly cat 8.This is student cat 9.This is busy cat 10.This is for cat 11.This is forty cat 12.This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top down.

A teacher at a High School was having a little trouble getting her year 11 pupils to understand grammar, "These are what we call the pronouns", she said, "and the way we use them with verbs; I am, you are, he/she is..." she was saying, to glazed looks. Trying a different tack she said, "Johnny, give me a sentence with the pronoun, "I" in it. Johnny began, "I is..." "No, no, no, no, no NO, NO!", shouted the teacher, "Never, 'I is', always, 'I am'... now try again". Johnny looked puzzled and a little hurt, thought a while then began again more quietly,"I... am ...the ninth letter of the alphabet".
 * Week 6 **

A duck goes into a furniture store and says 'got any duck food?' The guy at the counter says, 'sorry, we don't sell duck food'. The little duck walks out. The next day, same duck, same guy. 'Got any duck food?' 'Sorry little duck, I told you yesterday, no duck food here. ' The duck walks out. Next day, again, 'got any duck food?' The guy says 'No! we don't sell duck food! and if you come in here again I'm gonna nail your feet to the floor!' The duck walks out. next day, duck walks in. 'Got any nails? ' The guy says 'what?... no'. '...got any duck food?
 * Week 5 **


 * Week 4 **

So, Jeremy wasn't good at test at all, especially math ones. One day he had a math test, a hard one in fact, Jeremy had a plan, the maths teacher was a greedy one as well (as in money) Jeremy brought in $100 and whispered to the teacher 'one dollar equals one mark ' The teacher quickly nodded and took the $100 dollar note. Then the test started. The next day the teacher returns to hand out the marked tests, Jeremy was pretty happy, as everyone got their sheets, Jeremy waits for some praise. Then he looked at his sheet and it was shocking, he got 31.5% Then he asked the teacher if he got things wrong, The teacher then gave him $68.5 and said: Here's your change
 * Week 3 **

A head teacher is making his rounds of the school when he hears a terrible commotion coming from one of the classrooms. He rushes in and spots one boy, taller than the others, who seems to be making the most noise.
 * Week 2 **

He seizes the lad, drags him to the hall, and tells him to wait there until he is excused. Returning to the classroom, the head teacher restores order and lectures the class for half an hour about the importance of good behaviour.

'Now,' he says, 'are there any questions?'

One girl stands up timidly. 'Please sir,' she asks, 'may we have our teacher back?'

<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small; line-height: normal;">Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. <span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;">'Wake up, son. It's time to go to school' <span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;">'But why, Mom? I don't want to go.' <span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;">'Son, give me two reasons why you don't want to go.' <span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;">'Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!' <span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;">'Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.' <span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;">'Mother, give me two reasons why I should go to school.' <span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;">'Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!'
 * Week 1 **
 * Back to school**


 * Term Break - Holidays **

Catch A Rabbit
The LAPD, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has too catch it.

They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three moths of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist
 * The CIA goes in*

Another two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They make no apologies and say "The rabbit had it coming"
 * The FBI goes in*

They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "OKAY! OKAY! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
 * The LAPD goes in*


 * Week 10 **

**Week 9** <span style="font-family: verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal;">There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

<span style="font-family: verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal;">Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

<span style="font-family: verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal;">"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

<span style="font-family: verdana,arial,helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal;">"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife dead. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

**Week 8** media type="file" key="telstra.mp3" width="240" height="20" (You need sound)

**Week 7** There are three blonde guys stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them a wish.

The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, he is turned into a brown haired man and swims off the island.

The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly he is turned into a black haired man. The black haired man builds a boat and sails off the island.

The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns him into a woman, and she walks across the bridge.

**Week 6** John had to get to the train station as fast as he could but there is only one thing; he's carrying a huge load of luggage. He decides to hire a taxi. Once the taxi arrives John asks "How much is it to travel from here to the train station?" Taxi driver:"$30" John: "What about my luggage?" Taxi driver: "Since I'm generous I'll take it for free." John: "Ok, you take my luggage and I'll just walk." Taxi driver: (speechless)

**Week 5** My friend and I both stared at the fly crawling across the wall.

My friend sighed "time sure passes when you're having fun".

I gave my friend a weird stare "does that mean today will never end"?

**Week 4** One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have to learn this pointless information"

"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted.

"It keeps the ignoramuses like you out of medical school," replied the professor.

Knock, knock.... Who's there?
 * Week 3 **

Bumblebee!

Bumblebee who?

Bumblebee cold if you don't pull your pants up!


 * Week 2 **

COPPER WIRE After having dug to a depth of 3 metres last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 5 metres, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire", have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later, the state ' s Dept of Minerals and Energy in Western Australia, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 10 metres in Western Australia ' s Pilbara region, Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely st%#f all. Jack has therefore concluded that 350 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless.

**Week 1**

PRAYER FOR 2011

Dear God, All I ask for in 2011 is a big, fat bank account and a slim body… please don’t mix these up like you did last year. Amen.